There has been plenty to write about, I just could not. This time of year is not only busy but our daughter’s health is deteriorating. She is single with four girls. They are the granddaughters that stay here much of the week. Since January 2017, she has been battling cancer and loosing. They found cancer a…gain last week. We just got done hearing that news in January. This is a kind of cancer that goes anywhere it please and it pleases. She began some Big Boy chemo this past week and it makes all the other treatments this past 15 months look like a walk in the park. Believe me, they weren’t. Our schedule is extremely unpredictable as ER visits and help needed are often a moments notice kind of things. Now there will be much more to do. Yet I need to find some routine within my days as it gives me an anchor. I’m working on that. A challenge since routine and flexible are not congruent.
When I read up on the latest drug of choice for our daughter, the gravity of the situation struck with full force. Yes, I saw the looks in the doctors eyes and heard the words they did not speak as our daughter expressed her plans and hopes for the future. I was given an unsettled feeling that spoke that all was not well which enabled me to push to go with her this time to see the doctors, no doubt sent from the Lord to prepare me — a little and I emphasize a little. A fuller picture is settling around us and we see in bits and pieces the struggles in our future. So I’m adjusting and hoping for more time but only if it means it won’t be a dragging out of the misery she has already suffered.
Choices have left her world in shamble. She is traversing her way out but choices never affect just the choosee. It affects all those who care. All those dependent upon you. Those past choices will make Kirk’s and my road difficult – but not impossible with the Lord’s help. My faith has put one feet in front of another and propels me forward instead of leaving me in a miserable puddle of self-pity. It is what allows us to let go and say thy will, not mine be done for we understand that his ways are not ours. His eternal advantage point we can not see but are grateful for since ours is so minuscule in scope. We must walk by faith.
Letting go is becoming an all to common thing as I lost my sweet brother-in-law to cancer the end of November. We lost Kirk’s brother in February, and now one of his other brother’s has cancer. My father has slipped into the latter stage of dementia and I’m not sure at times that I’m not going insane. We just move from one crisis to another and don’t finish up one before another has started, if not three. This is taking its tole on the granddaughters too. How could it not.
People have been asking how I keep my chin up. For sure my faith but also because I keep thinking of how many other people have it so much worse and I count my blessings. I also look for problems I can solve. Like today I think I figured out how to fit in one more pen we badly need with very few purchased materials.
Money has been on my mind and I’ve begun reading Dave Ramsey’s books during short bathroom breaks. Where there is a will there is a way, right? I’ve studied personal finance in the past and we’ve gotten out of debt completely but he dispelled some myths I had – a blessing. The security of our personal future is dependent upon getting out of debt once more and faster this time. I foresee that our expenditures will increase tremendously. We need to double our effort. Yet I believe our lives are a bit different than the typical scenario Dave works with. His goal is to get people out of debt and ours is to also become self-reliant and that takes money and time. Self-reliant saves money down the road which we will throw at the dept. The Lord has a plan. I’m sure he will disclose it one tiny step at a time as usual.
We are looking at gates this week. We could make them but there is not time. We could use some old wood ones given to us but they are too heavy and in the places these need to go, the snow gets deep. It would destroy the old wooden ones in a hurry and form a snow fence that would deepen the drifts.”If a job is worth doing, it is worth doing right.” my dad use to say. I remind myself that that does not mean perfect, just done well. Right now most of our gates are cow panel sections we drag. In some cases where gates need to go are sections of fence we have to take down to get through like in the case of the goat pen where we need to clean around the hay feeder with the tractor. The snow gets deep in the winter not allowing us to clean it a bit at a time like we do in the summer. So what would take an hour or a little more takes a good part of the day since we have to fence too. “Time is money” and means far less gets done. In fact it did not get done last year. That means an increase in the chances of foot rot because the packed old rotting hay holds moisture and bacteria. Kirk is working over-time this week to pay for the gates. What a blessing they will be as they are light, strong, and best of all, we don’t have to build them. Gates will solve a lot of time and problems.
There is also the anticipation that school will be out and just maybe I can get a bit more sleep at night. I’m cutting into it at both ends to keep up. With stress draining my energy levels, I’m surviving on shear stubbornness, which I thankfully have an abundance of. See, more blessings. We might be sorely tried but we are truly blessed.